


cool blue

by txtdalso



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, College AU, Depression, M/M, Mentions of Death, changing it up.. no more beomjun besties. only taejun besties, exploiting my mental illness for creativity, havent figured out how to incorporate beomkai but i will do it just wait a little, i guess this is angst now? oops, i haven't written anything creative like practically ever so pls bear with me if it's bad :), mental health, remember when this was going to be a one-shot lol hehe, taejun, they're besties
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-12 17:55:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28514556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/txtdalso/pseuds/txtdalso
Summary: yeonjun is in college. he's depressed. he has succumbed to the ennui of his daily life, although the routine keeps him (somewhat) sane. it’s been getting worse lately.the weight of his condition is heavy on yeonjun. he doesn’t eat, he doesn’t sleep, he doesn’t socialize and he has nothing to live for. his only friend, taehyun, drags him to class so he doesn’t fail.he holds himself up only by a thread that is bound to tear soon. one day he meets soobin in the rain.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Kang Taehyun, Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun, Choi Yeonjun/Kang Taehyun
Comments: 28
Kudos: 91





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi i haven't written anything in like 9 years so bear with me<3  
> i woke up today and decided i wanted to write something creatively but i didn't really know what to do so i put my spotify library on shuffle and tried to get inspiration from the first 5 songs.
> 
> those songs in order are:  
> 1) the aerialist (wonderboy) - gwsn  
> 2) alibi - sid  
> 3) cool blue - the japanese house  
> 4) breakeven by the script (which i eventually abandoned because i hate that song. it was replaced by your light - txt).  
> 5) silver - caribou
> 
> these are all very different songs but i wanted to try to find a way to connect them. hopefully this first chapter wasn't a bad start.

_ pathetic. _ choi yeonjun was absolutely  _ pathetic. _ at least, that’s what he told himself in situations like today’s, where he can’t drag himself out of bed to go to class. some days, it’s unbearably bleak. and no matter the weather, everyday felt dreary, dull. gone are those times where he felt any forlorn hope of ever getting better. he doesn’t remember when this happened, or why, if there was a reason at all. maybe it’s always been like this and he’s only now noticing. maybe it crept up on him, making its way into his sleep, his meals, his lifestyle. the only rest he ever got came from disjointed naps throughout the day; the only nutrition from the meal taehyun buys him after class. to be honest, it’s a miracle he’s even alive at this point.

much to his dismay, taehyun is knocking at yeonjun’s studio apartment door while fishing through his backpack for his spare key. yeonjun buries himself under his sheets, obscuring his frail body in the mess of blankets and covering his face with his pillow. it’s a perfect disguise, he thinks, except for the fact that his soft pink hair pokes out a little from under the pillow and gives his position away. after enough knocking, taehyun finds his key and lets himself in, putting his backpack down and immediately noticing yeonjun’s pitiful attempt at hiding from him. sighing, he makes his way to yeonjun’s bed, picking up the pillow he was hiding under.

“yeonjun, what are you doing?”

“just getting comfy, you know?”

they both knew that was absolute bullshit, but no one will say anything about it. they never do; this contract of theirs is unofficial and unspoken of. their current situation is not foreign to them - taehyun has been checking on him everyday like this for months now. it has become part of his daily routine at this point. and who can blame him? yeonjun’s condition has deteriorated to the point that he’s not sure why he’s even here anymore, why he’s wasting space and inconveniencing those around him. taehyun’s heart breaks for the older boy.

taehyun says nothing, instead opting to rip the sheets off of yeonjun and pull him out of bed. yeonjun grunts disappointedly but complies anyway, steading himself as he stands. taehyun takes a seat on yeonjun’s couch while the latter goes through the motions of getting ready for class. on wednesdays like today, his only class is from 10:30 to 11:50 in the morning. thankfully it’s only a lecture and he only has to be there for the sake of attendance. as yeonjun gets ready, taehyun glances at the disaster that is the living room coffee table. it’s scattered with the expected minutiae of the life of a college student - incomplete assignments, half-empty cans, a few books, gum wrappers, and the like. sighing, he picks up the trash and cans and tries to make it look at least somewhat presentable. no one else comes over to yeonjun’s apartment regardless, but taehyun believes having it look a little less  _ lived-in _ could help yeonjun. 

the older boy finishes getting ready and gathers what he needs for class as taehyun finishes tidying up. 

“you didn’t have to do that, tae, i could’ve picked it up later.” 

taehyun just shrugs. “it’s not a big deal. let’s go to class, yeah?”

yeonjun silently agrees and the two make their way to the lecture hall. the weather is rather dreary today, yeonjun notices, with the sky darkening rather quickly during their walk. he doesn’t think much of it. 

the lecture goes by rather quickly, or maybe it’s yeonjun’s perception of time? either way, they make it out easily and walk to the student center to get some food. yeonjun isn’t hungry - he never is, truly - but he tries to eat lunch with taehyun to keep him happy. it’s a slow lunch. the boys coexist in relatively comfortable silence, the younger reading a book while the older slowly chips away at his lunch. truthfully, getting yeonjun to eat at all is usually a challenge, so taehyun is thankful that the boy seems to be trying a little bit harder lately. lord knows the older needs to, with his slightly sunken face and frail figure.

“i’ve got to head to my afternoon class but i’ll see you later. text me when you’re back at your apartment so i know you’re safe.” taehyun looks at yeonjun expectantly, hoping for a response or some acknowledgment.

yeonjun just nods. “yeah yeah, will do. enjoy your class.”

he bids farewell, leaving yeonjun to his devices. having finished his day up, he throws away the rest of his meal (that he truthfully only managed to eat half of, despite his efforts) and starts making his way back to his apartment. unbeknownst to him, it had started pouring outside and thanks to his forgetfulness this morning, he was shit out of luck with no jacket or umbrella.  _ this is just fucking fantastic, isn’t it. _

he stops at the exit of the student center, wondering if he should just bear it and run through the rain or try to wait it out. distracted while weighing his options, he accidentally bumps pretty hard into somebody’s backside and snaps out of whatever trance he was in.

“oh my god. i am so so sorry. are you okay?” he says, gasping, his face flushing a bit as he looks up to the figure he ran into, bracing himself for an angry reaction. what he was not expecting was a breathtakingly beautiful and tall smiley blue-haired boy. _oh god_.

the taller boy gave yeonjun a bright grin, his eyes disappearing and -  _ oh fuck, he has dimples _ . “hey, it’s okay, don’t worry about it! i’m fine. are you okay, though?”

“oh. i’m okay. again, i’m so sorry.” 

yeonjun sheepishly looks at the ground, not sure what to do next. he can’t exactly run away into the pouring rain, but he feels like such an idiot for not paying attention, and now he’s embarrassed himself in front of this cute stranger and  _ jesus christ he’s really cute.  _

he looks back up at the tall boy and his heart flutters. he hasn’t felt this kind of feeling in god knows how long, if at all. everyday has felt the same for months, maybe even years; the days are slow and dull, the people uninteresting. nothing ever happens. life drags on. yet here he is, faced with a beautiful stranger, feeling enamoured yet embarrassed. he’s not sure what to do next. 

“do you have an umbrella?”

“what?”

the boy looks at yeonjun’s empty hands. “it’s raining really hard and you seem to not have an umbrella.”

having forgotten about the rain already as he was preoccupied with being mortified, he realizes what the boy is saying and his eyes widen just a little. “oh. shit, i don’t.” 

“would you like to share mine?”

yeonjun is almost at a loss for words. “i’m okay.” 

“you’ll catch a cold if you try to leave without one. come on, i’ll walk you. where are you going?”

“uh.. the apartments on the northeast side, by the science buildings. but i don’t want to be an inconvenience to you or anything…” his voice trails off, not really sure how to react. this beautiful boy is being too polite, especially for someone who was just run into due to yeonjun’s carelessness. he gives the boy a small wave and walks past him, going outside into the rain, hoping to escape that awkward situation.

yet before he knows it, the tall boy is by his side, ducking a little bit as he holds the umbrella between them. “i’m soobin, by the way. choi soobin.”

“choi yeonjun. it’s, uh, nice to meet you, soobin.”

“likewise!”

they walk in relative silence with soobin leading the way, being careful to avoid puddles. yeonjun is perplexed.  _ why is he so nice?  _ he feels undeserving of it, this being treated well by a stranger. he mostly stayed out of the way, choosing to stay at his apartment most of the time, forfeiting social interaction and practically decaying instead. when he did go out, taehyun was always with him, so he didn’t really have to worry about strangers. still, it feels weird, and he’s really glad soobin isn’t prodding him with a slew of questions or talking incessantly about nothing.

eventually, they arrive at the apartment complex and hover near the older boy’s building. yeonjun stops for a moment and turns to soobin, giving what could not even really be considered a smile, it was so small. “thank you, soobin. you really didn’t have to.” 

he smiles back, eyes becoming crescents and dimples making themselves known again. _good god._ “it’s no problem. check the forecast before you leave, though!” 

yeonjun nods and gives a small, polite wave before turning toward the building and walking up the staircase. he hears footsteps behind him unexpectedly and turns to look, only to find soobin now just a few feet away at the head of the staircase.

his eyes widen a bit.  _ is he following me now? what? _

“what are you doing?”

soobin blinks and points to the door across the hall from yeonjun’s. “i live here.”

he  _ what? _


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for the kudos! i wasn't expecting it at all but i'm really happy that i seemed to have done a decent job. i was only expecting this to be a one-shot, maybe 600 words, but something overtook me today i swear bc i have never created something and actually liked and felt comfortable with it so easily. So With That Being Said... i hope u enjoy this chapter too :) i tried to relate it to my personal experiences w/ depression but tbh idk if i'm making any sense with it but it's all trial and error baby!!
> 
> p.s. the 6th song on my list of songs that are somewhat positively affecting my creative writing process is "splendidly" by harbour :D

this day has already become too much to bear. yeonjun can’t handle the lingering embarrassment from earlier or the current awkward atmosphere, never mind the twinge in his heart. he glances at soobin ever so briefly and mutters a soft “thanks again, see you” before quickly escaping into his apartment. immediately, yeonjun locks the door and slides down its backside to the floor, holds his knees to his chest and panics quietly. how did he never notice his neighbor? or had he just moved in? 

his apartment is silent but everything feels so loud, the white noise in his mind becoming unbearable. his vision is obscured by the formation of tears. he feels paralyzed, overwhelmed, distressed beyond explanation. yeonjun is not used to these emotions and quite frankly it is too much for him to handle. the fogginess in his brain, the somber lull of his daily life was disrupted, replaced by a cacophony of buzzing, a relentless static.

he’s not sure what time it is or if time passed at all. he feels exhausted, like something had drained his body and mind entirely, leaving him hollow. with whatever leftover energy he can muster, he drags himself to his bed, once again burying himself deep in the blankets, hoping to never be unearthed. he’s not sure what happens next and he doesn’t remember falling asleep. he can almost make out the low hum of his phone vibrating but thinks nothing of it.

suddenly, or maybe eventually, there’s a loud, migraine-inducing bang on his front door. _really? it can’t wait?_

not too long later, the door swings open and a dampened taehyun lets himself in. when he sees the obscured figure known as yeonjun he sighs in relief. he never texted taehyun letting him know he got home. he always did, it was their routine, their promise. the only spoken agreement in their unofficial contract. taehyun couldn’t tell you why, there isn’t really an explicit reason, but he knows deep down that yeonjun will get lost in himself - lose track of time, move around in a trance, end up somewhere else - be it a park or a bridge over the river.

taehyun sits at the edge of yeonjun’s bed. he speaks, his voice a little brittle, his tone somber. he tells yeonjun he forgot, but that it’s okay. he knows yeonjun will feel a guilt that reaches deep into his heart, down into the already plunging, bleak chasm. yeonjun didn’t mean to forget, no one does, really, but the prior nervous breakdown clouded his headspace a bit. still, he tries to push down the regretful feeling of knowing he worried his best friend. 

they don’t speak for a few minutes. taehyun gently pats yeonjun’s blanket mound twice before getting up to move to the kitchen. it’s not his duty and he knows it but he can’t help but pick up a bit here and there when he’s at yeonjun’s apartment. he doesn’t exactly fully understand what yeonjun is going through but he knows that sometimes he just needs some help. some days those little tasks - tidying up, doing dishes - are too much to handle. sometimes he just can’t gather the physical or mental strength. but that’s okay. taehyun doesn’t mind - occasionally doing these things for yeonjun keeps him busy and makes him feel like he’s able to provide at least a little support. 

the apartment is mostly tidy now after taehyun got carried away with his work. an hour had passed, maybe two, he wasn’t keeping track. yeonjun stirs in his mess of blankets, poking his head out to see taehyun now sitting on the floor in front of the couch, reading what yeonjun can only make out to be a thick textbook. 

his migraine has subsided, being replaced instead by a dull headache. his eyes felt heavy, his throat itchy. it must be the evening now, he thought, but he can’t tell. he moves slowly, pulling a blanket over his shoulders and dragging himself to the couch. 

“enjoy your nap?” taehyun asks, not looking up from the textbook in front of him. 

yeonjun shrugs, not bothering to say anything. they sat in a comfortable silence for a while. maybe half an hour? maybe two hours? he can’t tell. time felt measureless - hours drag on and on or pass by in the blink of an eye. 

regardless, enough time passes that it’s time for taehyun to head home to his dorm. typically he leaves yeonjun’s apartment in the late afternoon and finishes studying at his dorm but lately his roommate, choi beomgyu, has been spending his free time composing music, creating an environment _not_ fit for studying. his compositions aren’t bad, sure, and he’s nice to look at - but he’s too much of a distraction and taehyun can’t have that. 

the younger boy stands up, gathering his things and making his way toward the front door. to his surprise, yeonjun is right behind him. 

“what are you doing?”

“walking you home, dummy.” he followed taehyun out the door, locking it behind them. 

“you don’t have to. it’s a short walk anyway.” 

“exactly. let’s go.” 

taehyun shrugs and starts walking. yeonjun sighs in relief that his (possibly) new neighbor isn’t hanging around their complex and he won’t have to face him again after their first encounter, especially considering he has only inconvenienced him. a feeling of shame washed over him as the memory of the early afternoon revived itself. he keeps his head down as he walks, trailing ever so slightly behind taehyun. 

not soon after, they arrive at taehyun’s dorm. it’s rather tranquil now - the weather cooled after the rain stopped and yeonjun felt comfortable in the quiet of the night. 

“thanks for today. for.. helping me, and stuff. i’m sorry.. for not texting you.” yeonjun spoke softly.

“i told you, it’s okay. thanks for walking me home. see you tomorrow?” a rather silly question, since this was their daily routine.

“as always.” 

they parted ways and yeonjun made his way back to the apartment, feeling drained from the day and wanting to just crawl into his bed and try to forget. he makes it back in one piece and climbs up the stairs, only to see a tall figure standing across the hallway. _shit. really?_

the figure turns to him before opening their door, and _lo and behold, choi soobin_. the boy offers a small wave and smiles, those dimples coming out again. _god he’s cute._

he panics, fumbling while trying to get his keys out and struggling with what to say to soobin. perhaps he felt some sort of guilt from possibly disrupting soobin’s day. perhaps he feels captivated by soobin’s smile. whatever it is, it causes him to blurt something unexpected out.

“can i.. buy you a coffee?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gay AND regular panic???? more likely than you think!
> 
> no new songs this update - the brain worms are working full-time to make sure i listen to back door by stray kids on repeat for hours :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i swear something shifted in me because this has evolved from the one-shot i intended to write to something i have a whole storyline for? special thanks to my lovely friend rue for workshopping some stuff with me :D 
> 
> i hope this one isn't too boring. i'm really trying to write how i feel in these circumstances - trying to make the reactions and emotions realistic to my genre of mental illness So forgive me if it makes absolutely no sense. also because of this the actual development between yeonjun and soobin seems agonizingly slow but bear with me, it's coming!
> 
> i welcome feedback>> https://curiouscat.qa/txtdalso !!

yeonjun is in disbelief - he can’t believe what overcame him. guilt? infatuation? whatever it is, he can’t take back what he said now and has to face this new reality he has created. he prays to an unnamed deity that soobin is too busy or is disinterested. the deity does not listen. soobin flashes a bright smile, eyes disappearing again.

“i’d love to.”

_great._

“um… does tomorrow work?” yeonjun is not sure how to navigate this conversation - he blurted the proposal out without a second thought and now has no backup plan. _there isn’t a manual for this shit?_

“sure!”

“11:00?” _do people go out for coffee so close to lunch time?_

“sounds great. i’ll see you tomorrow, then! goodnight, yeonjun.” the taller boy grins and finally enters his apartment. yeonjun is stunned, nearly paralyzed by the interaction. 

“‘night.” he manages to squeak out before soobin’s front door is shut. it takes some seconds, maybe a minute before he can regain his composure and go inside his apartment. _what the hell was that?_

he locks the door and leans against it before checking the time finally. it’s a quarter ‘til midnight. the day got ahead of him. what did he do all day? it all feels fuzzy now, details lost in the static in his mind like someone changed the frequency. he remembers the rain and soobin, then taehyun… guilt fills him up, choking him and spilling over. _really, yeonjun, you couldn’t do one fucking thing right?_ the feeling swallows him whole and he can’t breathe. tremoring and heaving, he goes to his desk, skipping over the detail that it’s cleaner than before, crawls under it and holds his knees to his chest.

for some reason, this helps. he’s not sure what it is - maybe it’s making himself small, shrinking into nothing. or maybe it’s being obscured, invisible. unknown and silent except for his shaky breathing and his pulsing heart. no one can get to him here in this space. it’s safe. 

maybe he is overreacting to everything. maybe this isn’t normal. it was one mistake. it’s not a big deal, _right_? but he doesn’t know what taehyun is thinking, he can’t be sure that it’s actually okay. he can’t disappoint the only person he has. _not again_. 

minutes pass. he doesn’t know how many. after what felt like forever, he crawls out, able to breathe again, the pain of guilt no longer so heavy on his heart. (it has, instead, sunken deeper into him, cracking into the deep-seated chasm in his heart.)

unbeknownst to yeonjun, it is now 3:38 in the morning. feeling the weight of the day settle on his shoulders, he crawls to his bed, settling in his cocoon before dozing off. rest doesn’t come easy, nor does it come often enough. for hours at a time throughout the day he will get lost within himself, struggling to navigate a seemingly infinite, unsolvable puzzle in his mind. it consumes yeonjun; he loses sleep over it. he’s lucky if he can salvage enough peace of mind to be able to rest for a couple of hours. tonight, he’s fortunate.

-

thursday morning comes. he has two lectures on thursdays - one from 9:00 to 10:00 in the morning and the other from 2:00 to 3:20 in the afternoon. it’s not his ideal schedule but he manages. he unfortunately doesn’t share these lectures with taehyun, making his time in them just slightly more unbearable. yet, the younger boy still comes over to make sure yeonjun is up. 

yeonjun stirs. the day doesn’t start immediately for him - he takes some time to gather himself, pick up the scattered pieces. he feels a bit foggy for some reason, trying to recall the last few hours. then it dawns on him.

_shit. soobin._

yeonjun panics within himself for several moments as he realizes what is in store for him today. he doesn’t know how to take people on dates. _is this a date?_ wait. _why the hell would it be a date?_ he rationalizes with himself - he’s just treating soobin for his help yesterday, _right?_ that’s all it could be. he pushes down the brief flutter felt in his heart. _it’s just coffee._

not long after, he hears a brief knock at his door before taehyun lets himself in. yeonjun sits up on his bed and turns to look at the younger boy. 

taehyun won’t say it, but yeonjun looks _awful._ his eyes are sunken, the deep circles under his eyes violet. he tries to show the older boy a smile, a look of relief as if to say _i’m glad you’re okay_ but it’s not genuine; yeonjun is unwell and it makes taehyun’s heart ache for the boy. 

  
  


“good morning.” taehyun is not sure what to ask - it feels almost offensive to ask him if he slept well when the answer is obvious. he knows yeonjun well enough to be able to tell when he has a bad night. many times has he had to sneak out of his dorm in the middle of the night to comfort him when he was at his lowest. one may think taehyun is deranged for caring so much about the boy who only bears a burden on him, whose ailments seem only to wear him down, but he doesn’t care. they’ve been together far too long; he can’t abandon him now.

yeonjun stifles a yawn and stretches a bit before getting up. “good morning, tae.”

he quietly begins his routine, the monotony familiar but not uncomfortable. he gets ready fairly procedurally, getting dressed, brushing his teeth, and the like. it’s not particularly easy, but this is their routine. regardless of the day or their schedules, yeonjun starts every day with taehyun. he’ll never say it, he wouldn’t know how to, but taehyun is his crutch. so often has he tiptoed near rock bottom, so many times has he been on the verge of giving up, but taehyun was always there. and it breaks yeonjun every _fucking_ day that he can’t help taehyun in the same way. and even if he could, the younger wouldn’t let him. 

yeonjun finishes getting ready and the pair leave together. the older boy thanks whichever deity controls his fate for not having to encounter soobin any time before their date meetup. he hasn’t figured out a way to tell taehyun about soobin yet. he doesn’t really _have to_ , right? but taehyun is his friend and friends share these things. _right?_ he pushes the thought away, shelving it for another time; what is there even to _tell?_

the two walk together in silence, only a small distance between them. at a fork in the road, they begin to separate. 

“lunch today?” taehyun asks, as though there is ever an alternative.

_shit._

“uh..” his voice shakes a little, but why? “i can’t today, actually--” his voice trails off.

the younger boy looks at him, perplexed; yeonjun is never busy. 

“i’m, um, getting coffee with someone.” _why is this so awkward?_

taehyun’s eyes widen slightly, just enough for yeonjun to notice. he gulps. “oh.. okay,” he says, sounding almost defeated. 

they stand awkwardly for just a moment, both unsure of what to do next. taehyun takes it as a cue to leave first. “see you later.” he offers a small smile and a wave before going on his way to his lecture. 

_what’s up with him today?_

yeonjun’s class feels like an eternity with the impending meeting with soobin looming over his head making it impossible to pay attention. sixty minutes of agony later, he is released, unsure of what to do. he technically has an hour of free-time, but maybe he should go get ready? he hasn’t eaten, and having coffee on an empty stomach doesn’t exactly sound ideal. would the cafe have food? wait, _where are we even going?_ yeonjun starts to panic, pulling his phone out and searching nearby coffee shops in a hurry. he doesn’t go out, he doesn’t know where any are. how is he supposed to find one? _which ones are even good? oh god, what if i bring him to a shitty place?_

next thing he knows, he’s in his apartment, once again sitting against the door and cradling his knees. it’s 10:44. he has sixteen minutes. when does he show up? _do i arrive early? no, he lives across from you, idiot._ is arriving at 11:00 on the dot weird? _does that make me seem too eager?_ he feels plagued with indecision, tormented by anxiety. 

it’s now 10:53. he doesn’t have time to do this shit. the boy picks himself up off the floor, still breathing heavily but able to function enough to gather his things. _deep breaths, remember?_ taehyun always reminded him. _it’s okay, yeonjun,_ he would say, _take long, deep breaths. in for 5 seconds, then hold for 7, then slowly exhale._ after a few moments of repeating those steps, he felt lighter. _where is taehyun where you need him?_

it’s 10:59. _you can do this, yeonjun_. he lies to himself, knowing full well he _cannot_ do this. but he already dug his grave and there’s nothing else he can do. he braces himself, walks out, and locks the door. _just a few more steps_. 

11:00. yeonjun knocks twice. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again~ i don't have any songs that i specifically listened to for inspiration (i just looped black swan by bts like 85 times) but here are a few songs i really love:
> 
> winterbreak - muna  
> le drugs - birthday  
> apartment - young the giant

the door swings open almost immediately and yeonjun is greeted with the most beautiful smile he’s ever seen. soobin’s eyes transform into crescent moons, but he shines brilliantly like the sun in july. any worry, any thought or greeting yeonjun had in mind had vanished and he was stunned, speechless.

“hi yeonjun!”

a sweltering summer creeps up his cheeks. “hi, soobin,” he manages to choke out. it starts to set in - he has to do this. he has nowhere to go. this is happening. here it goes. 

soobin pulls the door behind him and locks it. _should i be honest? that i don’t know where to take him? no, he’ll think i’m stupid. but i don’t have an alternative. it’s weird, though, isn’t it? to ask someone out for coffee but not know where to go? whatever._ he avoids the boy’s eyes, which are now peering into him, curious. 

“to be honest, i’ve never actually gone out for coffee,” _god, i sound like a loser._ “so i don’t really know where to take you.” 

soobin only chuckles, “i know a place,” and leads the way. they walk and walk and a decade passes before soobin’s voice cuts through the silence. “want to play 20 questions while we walk?”

"how long is the walk?” 

“not long, but it gives us something to talk about on the way.” _great_. “sure.”

“i’ll start. what’s your major?”

“literature. yours?” 

“psychology. do you like literature?

“not really,” yeonjun doesn’t elaborate, taking a few moments to ponder a question, “what’s your favorite season?”

“autumn. there’s something comforting about the coolness in the air and the warmth of the leaves. it smells nice, too,” he smiles softly, but still enough for those dimples to debut, “if you could go anywhere right now, where would it be?”

“childhood.”

soobin laughs, “interesting choice.. and look at that, we’re here!” 

yeonjun looks up from the ground to see a rather quaint cafe. two tables on the patio, no occupants. the area is quiet. inside is nearly vacant; a couple of students reading or typing on their laptops and a barista behind the cash register. it feels warm and special, like a secret. maybe it was their secret. _god, get over yourself, yeonjun._

yeonjun orders an iced americano, soobin an iced latte. the latter chooses a table in a corner of the cafe and yeonjun is forced to face him. 

“so, mystery neighbor, how long have you lived in the complex?” soobin asks.

“almost a year now.”

“and i’ve never seen you around?” 

“what can i say? i’m a busy man,” he lied with a grin, but soobin didn’t need to know the truth.

they pause for a few moments, yeonjun unsure what to say next. he doesn’t feel awkward, per se; soobin’s presence is comforting, warm. inviting. it makes him _want_ to talk to soobin, he just doesn’t know what to say. 

soobin continues, “what’s your biggest fear?”

“being abandoned,” he answers a bit softer, feeling vulnerable. it’s been well over a decade, but it still weighs him down. yeonjun hopes he’s watching him right now.

“yours?”

“i’m … afraid of dogs.”

“dogs?” yeonjun holds back a laugh. soobin, who carries himself with confidence, afraid of dogs?

“it’s not funny!” he pouts.

yeonjun tenses up for a moment. he feels awkward, unable to read soobin and unsure how to react. _is it really that deep?_ surely he knows there’s nothing to really be afraid of, right?

he has no time to think about it - soobin starts laughing, “don’t worry! i get that reaction a lot. honestly, i know rationally that they’re fine, but then i see one and freak out.”

“thank god, you had me worried for a second.” 

some time passes, who knows how long? they get lost in conversation, having finished their drinks long ago. soobin had told him about the first time he got drunk and the trials and tribulations of his first part-time job at a fast food restaurant. 

something about soobin is so fascinating. it makes him so _easy_ to talk to; he makes yeonjun want to tell him everything. all of his secrets, his likes and dislikes. but he doesn’t. and despite that ease, his heart is still thumping in his chest, loud enough that the whole campus could hear. 

he checks his watch. it’s 1:54. they had been chatting for over two hours.

_wait._

it’s 1:54. 

class is at 2:00. 

_shit._

he interrupts soobin mid-sentence. “soobin, i am so so sorry,” he stands up, grabbing his things frantically and cursing at himself for having to apologize to soobin for something _again_. “i have class at 2:00. god i didn’t even realize. uh, i’ll see you, okay? it was nice.” he practically sprints away, leaving soobin so quickly he didn’t even get a chance to ask for yeonjun’s number.

\----

he made it to his class only a few minutes late and was virtually unnoticed by the professor, _thank god_. he didn’t want to be here at all but attendance is mandatory and a test is coming up soon. not that it mattered though, yeonjun can’t even focus on the lecture. his mind is completely occupied by soobin - his dimples that would tease his cheeks before fully deepening; the way the corners of his lips naturally turned up; his devastating eye smile. 

_focus, yeonjun._ he tries to shift his focus back to the professor and is successful only for a minute before soobin’s laugh crawled back into his mind, an infectious tune he could loop on repeat for hours. 

when class is over, he makes his way back to his apartment. the sun shines loudly, faces are bright with smiles. the air feels lighter. somehow, the day feels brighter. 

upon arriving, he finds taehyun on his couch reading a book.

“hey, tae.”

“hey, junie. how was your date?” taehyun asks almost sarcastically. yeonjun’s breath gets caught in his throat at the mention.

“first of all, it wasn’t a date. second of all, my not-date was good. i had fun,” a small smile forming on his face as he sat down next to taehyun, shoulders touching.

“who’s the lucky guy?” the younger boy hasn’t looked up from the book.

“you know the guy who lives across from me? i didn’t even know he existed until yesterday - his name is soobin.” saying his name feels like accidentally sharing a secret. it’s something no one should hear, something he should keep for himself. 

taehyun coughs as though something is stuck in his throat. “choi soobin?”

“yeah, how’d you know?”

“he’s my roommate’s friend,” he pauses briefly, “why did you take him out?” a tinge of envy in his voice, but not enough for yeonjun to notice.

“well.. after you left for class yesterday i accidentally ran into him. he was super nice about it and offered to share his umbrella with me ‘cause he noticed i didn’t have one. i wanted to treat him as a thank you for inconveniencing him twice.” 

“well, isn’t he a lucky guy.”

“shut up.”

they sit in relative silence, taehyun flipping through his book while yeonjun rests his head on his shoulder. he hasn’t stopped thinking about soobin practically at all since he had to leave in a rush, though his mind is invaded by indecision. _should i go over and apologize? no. that’s weird. isn’t it? i kind of left out of the blue. but what if he thinks i’m clingy? i was just treating him. it was a one-time thing, right?_

_ah, fuck it._

he’s facing soobin’s door for the second time today, less nervous than this morning but still quite worried, heart beating frantically. _why do i want to talk to him so bad?_

before he even gets a chance to knock, the door is already open as soobin starts to walk out, not realizing yeonjun is right in front of him. half a second before colliding, he notices the boy standing and gasps as he stops. 

“oh my god, yeonjun,” he dramatically put his hand over his chest, acting appalled, “you scared me! what are you doing?”

“i wanted to say i’m sorry for leaving so abruptly earlier, i didn’t want to but i lost track of time and attendance is mandatory and so i left you hanging and-”

“yeonjun! yeonjun, it’s okay, really!” the taller boy chuckles, “you don’t have to explain yourself.”

yeonjun sighs in relief. “okay. well…i had fun today. i’ll see you around?”

“let me give you my number.” _oh?_ “so we can hang out again, if you want.” they exchange numbers. 

“okay. good night, soobin.” 

“good night, yeonjun. see you later.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you made it here, thank you!  
> i had a lot of fun writing this today. i'm still figuring out dialogue because as soon as i have to make it up i forget how to be a person so please bear with me if it's weird/bad :,)
> 
> i have a lot of ideas!! i truly intended to only write a one-shot but i got carried away and now have a whole storyline in the works. i'm really hoping i can stick to it and make something enjoyable to read.
> 
> my twitter and curiouscat are both @txtdalso btw!  
> see you soon!! xx


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what's better than this? just gays being dudes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all please bear with me this one is not my best work lol................it was so good in theory but bad in execution. just consider this filler plz ^_^ if it's bad no it's not<3 also it's like 1/3 shorter than the past 4 chapters bc i swear i just gave up LOL............chapter 6 will be better
> 
> special shoutout to rue (@xruedits) once again for helping me brainstorm. i finally have a fairly cohesive plan for this fic, so no more spontaneous writing!! (or at least substantially less spontaneous writing)
> 
> extra special shoutout to olya for suggesting i use wishlist by txt which made me think of dynamite by bts<3 love ur genius brain
> 
> only one song today: zero by last dinosaurs. they're my favorite band so if you happen to listen to this i hope you like it! <3

a carefree and content yeonjun returns to the apartment to find taehyun in the kitchen, sleeves rolled up, putting rice in the rice cooker. fresh vegetables, seasonings, and other ingredients are out on the counter. taehyun must have bought groceries over while he was out. 

he leans against the counter and smirks. “what is _the_ kang taehyun doing in my kitchen tonight?” 

“making sure _the_ choi yeonjun has eaten a meal,” he jokes, now putting beef in a bowl to marinate in sauce. “i thought we could have bibimbap tonight.” 

yeonjun rolled up his own sleeves too before washing his hands. “well, let me help you since you brought me groceries.”

the younger boy chuckles and moves aside, directing the older to start cutting vegetables up while he made a sauce. they worked in tandem mostly silently, yeonjun occasionally bumping taehyun’s hip with his or whistling a tune. to taehyun, today seems better than most. 

after preparing the ingredients, yeonjun starts to pan fry the beef, then the carrots, then the mushrooms. taehyun starts to clean up the dishes they already used but takes a moment to admire his friend whose gaze was set on the pan and whose brows were slightly furrowed. he truly felt happy that yeonjun was eager to help him, not because taehyun wanted or needed the help but because it meant yeonjun had a good day. on his worst days, getting him to even _eat_ was near impossible, let alone cook, so seeing his enthusiasm to help taehyun cook dinner warmed the latter’s heart. 

when the boys finished preparing the remaining ingredients, they assembled their bowls and sat down to eat. 

taehyun breaks the silence after a few minutes of eating. 

“so, you seem pretty chipper today.” 

yeonjun’s face lights up a bit. “today went a lot better than i thought.”

“oh?”

“yeah. soobin and i talked for _ever_ to the point that i was late to class because of it. honestly, he’s so easy to talk to, i thought it would be a lot harder but he-”

“how was class?” taehyun interrupts, already tired of hearing about soobin. “world lit, right?”

“it was fine, _somehow_ the professor didn’t notice me sneak in late, thank god.”

“that’s nice.”

after they finish eating, taehyun takes their bowls and begins to wash them. yeonjun, feeling energetic, grabs his phone and puts on an upbeat song: _dynamite_ _by bts._

the younger boy laughs. “what are you doing, junie?” 

“i’m in a dancing mood. don’t you feel like dancing? come on,” he pulls taehyun away as he finishes the dishes and leads him to the living room. both of them know yeonjun isn’t coordinated, but he can try, can’t he?

taehyun hadn’t seen yeonjun with this amount of energy in a long, long time. in their teen years they would have fun like this together - yeonjun exaggerating his movements and attempting to dance, though he couldn’t keep with the beat. 

today is no different. he took taehyun’s hands and attempted _(heavy emphasis on attempted)_ a quickstep ballroom dance to the song. what this really entailed, though, is one hand holding taehyun’s shoulder and the other holding his hand, then pulling him around the living room and spinning in circles.

the younger boy felt charmed by yeonjun’s newfound energy even as he made mistakes, either taking one step too far or spinning taehyun a bit faster than he can handle. they dance around the apartment for about two-thirds of the song before yeonjun, in all his coordinated glory, stumbles on himself, pulling taehyun down to the ground with him. luckily for taehyun, yeonjun lands first and takes most of the fall and the former is relatively unscathed.

they pause for a second before bursting into laughter at yeonjun’s graceless fall. “where’d all this energy come from, junie?”

“i don’t know, but it’s all gone now! i’m so tired.” 

“let’s get you to bed then, yeah?”

“sure.” 

taehyun stands up and dusts himself off before offering a hand to yeonjun. 

“tae,” the latter says while pulling himself up, “spend the night tonight?” 

“of course, junie.”

not long after, they’re in yeonjun’s bed, side by side. they haven’t as of late, but occasionally they will have spontaneous sleepovers like this. taehyun would never admit it, but he wishes they could be more frequent. there’s something comforting about just hanging out and doing nothing, only enjoying each other’s presence.

yeonjun rests his head on taehyun’s chest, a familiar and comfortable position for them both. the older boy can somehow never hear it but taehyun’s heart beats a mile a minute when they cuddle like this. it’s been like this for years but yeonjun has never thought anything of it - they’re best friends, after all. yet it agonizes taehyun who is, quite frankly, too afraid to ever make his feelings known.

after a rather long and seemingly comfortable silence, yeonjun speaks quietly.

“i think i like soobin.”

“what?” taehyun’s body tenses up, his arm around yeonjun stiffening. _god, of course he does._

“yeah. i don’t know. i barely know him so maybe it’s too early but there’s just something about him…”

“are you sure you don’t just think he’s cute?” he really hopes that’s the case.

“maybe.. i don’t know. he’s so sweet and i don’t feel anxious talking to him. like he made me feel like a friend already even though we don’t know each other that well.” _what about me?_

he continues. “he just.. feels comfortable. we talked for hours and i didn’t even realize it. and his _dimples_. he smiles with his eyes and he has these really deep dimples. and god, his _laugh_. it’s addicting. it makes me want to find a way to make him laugh just so i can hear it more.” _i know. i’ve met him before. don’t remind me._

taehyun feels a twinge in the deep recesses of his heart. he’s unsure what to say, if anything. time passes agonizingly slow as he gets lost in his thoughts. _is that why he’s so happy today?_ _because of him?_

  
  


“tae?”

“yeah, junie?”

“thanks for today.” 

“of course, junie.” 

“goodnight, tae.” 

“‘night, junie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> taehyun villain era [START] 
> 
> thank you for reading! i appreciate any feedback & i'd love to know your honest thoughts. this is my first time planning a story out and developing characters and i'm having a lot of fun but i don't really know if i'm doing a good job! a lot of the scenarios i have to work through in my head to see if they feel realistic so there might be some hits and some misses. 
> 
> thank you again!! see you soon :D
> 
> p.s. i know yeonjun not being coordinated at all is very unrealistic but i wanted to have some fun with it hehe


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took me days to write because my brain just stopped working and i straight up slept for almost 24 hours yesterday so thank you for your patience! this chapter feels sufficiently Juicy methinks ... let me know what you think!
> 
> ALSO i probably should've said something earlier but i didn't think about it. obviously i haven't bothered with using honorifics and frankly I Do Not Care to start so just like... imagine them where they're appropriate... or don't... it's up to you : )
> 
> songs for today's update:  
> teenage blue - dream girl  
> fancy shoes - the walters  
> check please - trash panda
> 
> & once again, huge thanks to rue @xruedits for helping me brainstorm some of this chapter. appreciated as always! <3

the following friday morning, yeonjun for once felt pretty well rested, a feeling foreign to him as of the past few years. he wasn’t sure if it was due to the long day he had or his cuddling with taehyun from the night before, but he was happy nonetheless.

taehyun walks yeonjun to his morning class and goes to his respective class before the weekend. saturday is a mostly fruitless effort for yeonjun to attempt to catch up on assignments and studying for upcoming exams while taehyun works on a final research project. they work mostly quietly in tandem throughout the day; taehyun treats the two to take-out for their hard work.

sunday evening, the two have a date. well, not a _date_ , rather their weekly promise to each other to have dinner watch the new episode of their current favorite sitcom together at yeonjun’s apartment. it’s another part of their routine, the silent contract. regardless of how either of them feel and no matter what’s happened, they do this together to end the weekend on a nice note. it’s only been tradition since the show started airing several months ago, but it’s one they’ve mostly stuck to; one of the constants he can rely on thanks to taehyun.

taehyun lets himself in with two large bags full of different types of fried chicken, hotteok, and rice cakes, setting them on the kitchen counter.

“wow, why’d you get so much, tae?” marveled yeonjun, taking the take-out boxes out of the bags and bringing them to the coffee table.

“i can’t treat my best friend?!” he dramatically pretended to be offended, putting a hand over his chest. “next week you can get your own dinner!”

the two laughed before sitting on the couch and turning on the tv. for a few minutes they sit beside each other, knees touching, leaning over the take-out boxes they’re holding so as not to make a mess while eating, and occasionally laughing. taehyun really cherishes these moments he has with yeonjun and the comfort they have with each other; they don’t have to talk and can just eat dinner together while enjoying something they both love. it’s moments like these that remind him why he and yeonjun have managed to be best friends for well over a decade.

suddenly, there’s knocking on the front door.

taehyun rolls his eyes. _what would someone need on a sunday evening? really?_

“i got it, don’t worry,” and yeonjun places his food on the coffee table before going to the door. he unlocks it and pulls it open a few inches only to find.. soobin?

“um, hey soobin! what’s going on?” 

soobin looks at him and grins widely.

“hey, yeonjun, i wanted to ask if you were available to hang out? i was going to text you but i figured since i live right across from you…” he trails off. 

_oh my god? he wants to hang out with me?_ _but wait…_ he begins to ponder if taehyun would be okay with soobin joining them? he wouldn’t just abandon taehyun like that, no way, but is it okay to just bring soobin in? _he wouldn’t mind, right? they know each other because of tae’s roommate. it should be okay.. right?_

“right, right. um, you know taehyun, right?” _of course he does, you moron._ he pulls the door a bit further back and gestures to the couch, taehyun not even looking at them. unbeknownst to the two, he was seething in his place. “we’re watching a new episode of this show that’s airing if you want to join us? he brought food and you’re welcome to some.” 

taehyun rolled his eyes to himself. _i bought dinner for you, not him._ _this is our plan, not his. why can’t you see that?_ but he won’t say any of this to yeonjun, despite how much it aches.

soobin flashed a bright, toothy smile, dimples appearing immediately, making yeonjun’s heart twinge ever so slightly. “i’d love to, yeonjun. thanks!” 

the older boy smiled, pulling the door back all the way and gesturing soobin to come inside. they sat on the couch with yeonjun in the middle, soobin on his left and taehyun on his right. 

“hey, taehyun, how’s it been?” soobin offered a small wave and a smile. _just perfect now that you’re here. fuck._

“it’s fine.” he doesn’t elaborate, nor does he ask soobin the same. the latter shrugs.

the show they were watching was airing so they weren’t able to pause it when soobin came to the door, but he didn’t mind missing some of the episode as he was just excited to hang out. yeonjun lets him know he can help himself to his food, much to taehyun’s dismay, and he does just that.

soobin and yeonjun sit just a _bit_ too close for taehyun’s comfort; thighs touching, leaning into each other’s shoulders slightly _too_ much. they laugh loudly with each other and honestly? it hurts to see. taehyun and yeonjun are like that, too, but it’s different. yeonjun is falling for soobin and taehyun is helpless; his best friend of so, _so_ many years _still_ somehow does not see what’s right in front of him. he doesn’t see who has been by his side for so long, who takes care of him when he’s at his lowest point even when it weighs his own self down, even when it chips away at him more and more everyday. yeonjun does not, and likely will not, see taehyun the way he sees him, and that tears him to shreds. 

taehyun stands up abruptly, faking a mildly concerned expression while glancing at his phone. “something came up, i’ve got to go, junie.” he hastily walks to and out the door without another sound, before yeonjun could even ask what was wrong or where he was going. frustrated, he pulls out his phone to text taehyun to make sure everything was alright. 

**[7:24 pm]**

**yj: ????? is everything ok????**

**[...]**

**th: yes. don’t worry.**

**yj: ok... be careful ok??**

**th: thanks.**

“god, i hope everything’s okay,” soobin says quietly, finishing up his food and placing the empty container on the coffee table. 

“i hope so too.”

the pair, having both finished their dinner, settle into the back of the couch. soobin leans into yeonjun’s side just a little bit; he feels warm, inviting. yeonjun isn’t sure what to do. he feels a fire spread across his cheeks at soobin’s touch. before he even has time to react or think about it, soobin’s head is resting on his shoulder. he flinches.

 _what is he doing?_ he feels himself tensing up and tries to relax his shoulders. _would it be okay if i did the same? it’s not weird, right? because we’re friends?_

in an attempt to push past the agonizing indecision, he loosens his body as best as he can and rather slowly leans his head against soobin’s so they rest on each other. the latter doesn’t flinch or react any differently _so maybe it’s okay. taehyun and i do this, too. friends do this. it’s normal. right._

minutes feel like decades as yeonjun is acutely aware of how much of soobin he is touching right now; every part, their thighs, their sides, and his shoulder are all scorching from the heat of soobin’s touch. is the show even playing anymore? he can’t tell. he manages to relax a bit more into the younger boy’s side, feeling him rise and fall on his shoulder as he breathes slowly. the peace only lasts moments as soobin inches his hand ever so slightly towards yeonjun’s, nudging his pinky with his own and linking them together. it’s a gesture so small, something so subtle, but it makes his heart pound loudly in his chest. 

for awhile they just sit like this, silently, with soobin against a paralyzed and panicked yeonjun.

\--

taehyun leaves yeonjun’s apartment quickly, nearly spilling over with anger. _he had to ruin_ _our_ _fucking night, too?_ he walks furiously to his dorm, seething with rage, the only purpose of which is to mask the agonizing heartbreak he truly feels. he doesn’t want to feel selfish or possessive, but this is the _one_ thing they _always_ do together and _only_ _together_. it’s not something that can be shared among other people. _why can’t he respect that?_ _can’t he see me right in front of him?_

unbeknownst to taehyun himself, this anguish has been building up inside him and filling him up to the brim for god knows how long. he has always known yeonjun doesn’t see him in the same way, doesn’t ache deep down for him constantly. yet, he can’t help but be selfless for him, be someone that yeonjun can always rely on regardless of how taehyun actually feels deep down. he’s aware that he’s letting himself be used by yeonjun, whose intents are not ill yet still hurt him. and despite how much he loves yeonjun, he is agonized by the way that part of his heart breaks off with every gesture, every act, every smile for his best friend. but he doesn’t recognize, or even know at all, that he is approaching his limit and soon it might be too late. 

he begrudgingly returns to his dorm only to find his roommate beomgyu doing something _other_ than writing or playing music. instead, he’s sitting on his bed in their shared room, lazily flipping through a magazine. _thank god, some peace and quiet_. taehyun sinks into his bed on the opposite wall almost immediately and before he can even breathe, his _lovely_ roommate is already talking to him.

“hey, roomie. something on your mind?” _spoke too fucking soon._

taehyun grunts, “what’s it to you?”

“well, you’re never back this early and you walked in without saying anything, _sooooo_ …it seems like you’re upset.” _great! just swell._

“you’re not interested in hearing about it.”

“try me.”

“alright.” he sighs deeply and turned on his side to face beomgyu. 

“you haven’t met him before so i’ll spare the details but basically, i’m in love with my best friend.” his first time admitting it verbally. it hurts.

“okay… and?” beomgyu’s face is expressionless.

“...and… he’s falling for someone else.”

“ _oh…_ does he know how you feel?” 

“ _god,_ no.”

“why haven’t you told him?”

“what good will it do? he doesn’t see me the same way.”

“you don’t know that.” 

“i _do_ , as a matter of fact. he treats me like his best friend and _only_ his best friend. i bend over backwards basically every day to make sure he’s okay, and _god knows_ it’s taking a toll on me, but he doesn’t realize why,” taehyun sits up and holds his knees to his chest and it’s obvious he’s starting to shake, “i let him use me because i want him to be happy, to be able to be normal, but he takes advantage of me and doesn’t even _know_ it. and i can’t just stop, either, because he relies on me everyday for so many things, for waking up, eating, getting to class, whatever other _shit_ he needs. i can’t just stop doing that, you know? he’d get worse, and then it would still come back to me anyway. i feel so fucking bad that i resent him for this when i set myself up for disappointment. i love him _so_ much but i _hate_ that he just doesn’t see it. _how does he not see it?”_

at this point, he’s on the verge of sobbing, a breakdown approaching imminently. beomgyu moves to sit next to him and puts an arm over his shoulder, rubbing his arm slowly in an attempt to provide some semblance of comfort. 

he continues, speaking in just one breath and choking on his words as they spill out. 

“i just… i don’t know what to do. we have a plan every sunday to watch this show together. we’ve been doing this for _months_ now. and i thought it was silently agreed upon that this was just _our_ thing, you know? but then this guy he likes, who just came out of _nowhere,_ really, knocks on the door and asks if he wants to hang out … and he obviously won’t say no to the person he likes, so he invites him in, and he eats the food that _i_ brought for only us two to eat, and they laugh together and get closer together and i’m just left there like i suddenly don’t exist. _it hurts_ , beomgyu. _it hurts so fucking bad loving someone you can’t have._ ” 

“hey, hey…” beomgyu pulls him in close and wraps his other arm around him, still rubbing his arm gently, “ _shhhh_ , taehyun, it’s okay.” he says nothing more, letting his roommate break down in his arms. he can tell this has been festering inside taehyun for a _long_ time and his façade is crumbling.

they sit like this for several minutes, maybe an hour; taehyun sobbing into beomgyu’s chest, the latter only holding him close. beomgyu has never had a moment like this with taehyun, or _anyone_ for that matter, where someone is so raw and vulnerable and willing to be seen and heard and comforted. it’s cruel, but he’s almost thankful for the situation enabling them to get closer.


	7. Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyyy long time no see! i didn't mean to totally abandon this but as you may recall i am Very Mentally Ill so it took awhile for me to finally have the creative energy to write this. i've since started an angst-free taegyu socmed au on twitter! txtdalso got suspended because i said something that wasn't very nice about a certain member of super junior hehe ... so i'm now on @txtdaiso ^^ 
> 
> anyway, this chapter didn't really totally go in the direction i wanted it to, but not in a bad way! i think chapter 7 will be 2 parts so i can still go in that direction. it doesn't feel complete enough to say this is the entirety of chapter 7 but hopefully i'll be able to post part 2 soon!
> 
> as always, thank you for your support on this fic and your patience T_T
> 
> i have no songs i used for direct inspiration this time but since we last spoke i have listened to blueprint by stray kids 350 times and given-taken by enhypen 324 times so... do with that information what you will<3
> 
> enjoy!

the week bears difficult emotions for taehyun and yeonjun, the former’s protective barrier beginning to crumble while the latter chips away at it, talking about none other than _soobin_. who knew there was so much to say about someone he barely knew? sure, they’ve hung out a couple of times since soobin effectively ruined taehyun’s sunday night. and maybe they text on occasion. but they don’t _really_ know each other, at least taehyun doesn’t think so. they don’t know each other like taehyun and yeonjun know each other, but it seems like the latter is slipping away more and more each day, paying almost no mind to taehyun whose façade is weakening every day. 

despite everything, they still abide by the terms of their silent contract - taehyun wakes yeonjun up, tidies up his apartment, keeps his word. he obviously can’t read minds, but it feels as though yeonjun doesn’t need his help as much this week. he doesn’t feel so vulnerable, so fragile that taehyun needs to carry him delicately, to tread lightly. perhaps soobin taking yeonjun away from him slowly isn’t _so_ bad, though it does hurt. perhaps he won’t have to shoulder the burden of caring so much for yeonjun. maybe this dull ache he feels in his chest every time he looks at yeonjun will subside. it will hurt him infinitely more than yeonjun, who is bound to be oblivious, but perhaps taehyun needs to suffer in order to heal. 

yeonjun, on the other hand, has to deal with the distressing thoughts that accompany developing romantic feelings for someone. he feels happy with soobin, but can’t help but feel like a nuisance; he feels unworthy of soobin’s friendship, but can’t reasonably keep his distance. there’s something so addicting, so enchanting about him that he finds it difficult to stay away. thus, infatuation and insecurity work in tandem to torture him.

yet, despite the arduous week, they finally greet the weekend. in an interesting turn of events, they have arrived, yeonjun, taehyun, and soobin, at a house party. yeonjun’s worst nightmare. but _soobin_ invited him, so of course he won’t say no. maybe it’s exposure therapy. who knows? all taehyun knows is that he is in someone’s living room - a bright boy named kai who invited beomgyu and soobin, the latter of which invited yeonjun, who invited taehyun ( _possibly_ out of guilt). shitty beer in hand, he stands between his handsome roommate beomgyu and his devastating best friend yeonjun, both of which are _shitfaced_ and getting along surprisingly well. funnily enough and thankfully, beomgyu realized taehyun had vented to him about soobin _before_ he got absolutely smashed at this party, so he saved himself the embarrassment of drunkenly exposing taehyun’s poorly-hidden secret.

they’re crowded around a cheap table observing a seemingly never ending game of beer pong between soobin and kai who are, surprisingly, quite competitive. exhausted and drained from the week, taehyun does not care one bit about drinking responsibly and as such has volunteered to drink all of kai’s beer cups during this game as the latter needs to stay a sober host. he will _probably_ regret this later, but who gives a shit? his week really can’t get any worse.

as if on cue, taehyun feels his hand occupied by what can only be yeonjun’s. he had been trying not to pay too much attention to him for fear of igniting the dull ache he has managed to suppress for the eternity that they’ve been at this party, thanks only to the countless drinks he’s downed since arriving. yet despite his efforts, yeonjun still finds his way to push past the fog in taehyun’s mind and make himself known once again with a touch that burns taehyun badly, rings smoke alarms all throughout his body. a warning that he chooses to ignore in favor of entertaining whatever heartbreak yeonjun offers him tonight, just like always.

“are you okay?” taehyun inquires, finally moving to make eye contact with yeonjun rather than the pitiful attempt of a side-eye he had been giving him.

“yes, it’s just… loud. lots happening.” yeonjun looks so vulnerable right now, like he could be kicked down at any moment.

“do you want to go somewhere?”

“where could we even go? we’re all drunk.” 

“i don’t think kai would mind if we hung out in his room for a bit?” before waiting for a response, he leans over to kai and quietly explains the situation before tugging yeonjun by his hand - fingers now interlaced, as if to say _i won’t let go_ \- and navigating the party to find kai’s bedroom. 

they settle on the carpet beside kai’s bed. the door is shut but the party is hardly any quieter and taehyun can understand exactly why yeonjun wanted to get away. the noise, the movement, people hollering, chatting, cheering, music blaring throughout the living room; it was all too overwhelming. 

it stings just a bit that yeonjun only seems to notice taehyun when he’s in need, but unfortunately that’s exactly what the latter expects. maybe he can’t be the person yeonjun loves, not in the same way at least, and it aches _so damn bad_ but ultimately he’s weak and can’t say no to him. not now, not in this moment of insecurity, of vulnerability. 

a lifetime passes before either of them speak, instead opting for comfortable silence (as silent as it can be, given the circumstances). taehyun sits with his back against the side of the bed while yeonjun sits criss-cross facing him, mindlessly playing with the hand he was holding. the once-scorching flame of yeonjun’s touch has since subsided, replaced by a tender and dull warmth. but the damage is already done.

“thank you,” yeonjun speaks softly, keeping his head down, acting almost sheepishly. 

“you have no reason to thank me.”

“i do. you take care of me,” he pauses for several moments, breathing in five seconds, holding for seven, and exhaling slowly just as taehyun taught him before, “i don’t deserve it.”

“don’t say that. you deserve everything, junie,” it hurts to say out loud, perhaps because of how candid it is, but it’s the truth. as much as taehyun hates to admit it, as much as he tries to avoid yeonjun and act like he doesn’t ache immensely every time he looks at him, he can’t help but try and try again to be the person yeonjun needs. _fuck being in love._

yeonjun says nothing. taehyun doesn’t continue.

not long after, or maybe years later, taehyun’s two favorite shitfaced people in the world, soobin and beomgyu, burst through kai’s bedroom door. _great. exactly what we needed to ease the tension._

yeonjun seems to perk up almost immediately. _cruel_. beomgyu sits on taehyun’s other side while soobin leans down and offers a hand to yeonjun. 

“hey, you,” _don’t act so familiar._ “can i interest you in a drink?” 

without hesitation, yeonjun takes his hand and pulls himself up. _so much for taking care of you, i guess_. truly, taehyun feels like nothing more than a stepping stone for yeonjun’s happiness - maybe he isn’t the solution, but just part of the equation. yet, no matter how fatal of a wound his love for yeonjun is, no matter how destructive it is to be in love with someone as devastating as him, taehyun has to keep his promise. 

and then there were two.


	8. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi again! i wrote this at 6am while taking a bath (and 6:30 while sitting in my towel procrastinating getting dressed). i was initially going to have this be a 2 part chapter but the way this chapter turned out made it feel like a 3-parter. also, i know this part is shorter but i really wanted to post this asap and i felt like it was at a good stopping point!! 
> 
> i have been listening to a lot of ghosting lately as well as (you guessed it) blueprint by stray kids. if you follow me on twitter (@txtdaiso) you know my deal with this song (i cannot stop listening to it). 
> 
> for some reason, ghosting makes me want to write?? similar to winterbreak by muna, it's a song that inspires me to write but not about the theme of the song. these songs just get me In The Mood to write this fic. it's weird!
> 
> anyway my apologies for rambling, i hope this chapter isn't too bad (considering the fact that i wrote it at ass o'clock this morning). enjoy<3

beomgyu, already too far gone to care about any chance of sobriety, had brought two cans of beer with him when he came to kai’s bedroom, so the two sat in silence for some minutes sipping them. it didn’t quite feel  _ awkward _ , just empty. words in the air waiting to be caught, but neither knows what to say. it’s clear there’s something to talk about, but what? and how?

“you didn’t tell me it was soobin,” beomgyu breaks the silence with possibly the  _ worst _ conversation topic.

“i didn’t think it mattered,” taehyun says bluntly. they refuse eye contact, instead choosing to stare at the dull carpet in front of them. 

_ silence once more.  _

he’s right. it wouldn’t have mattered or changed anything because yeonjun and soobin’s love story isn’t something taehyun or beomgyu can interfere with. especially not when one of them is a coward.

moments pass before taehyun utters, “beomgyu, i don’t know what to do. i’m scared.” 

“what  _ can _ you do, though? realistically, i mean,” he pauses to take a rather long sip of beer before continuing, “you can risk everything and tell him how you feel …  _ or _ you can swallow your feelings and act like you’re fine.” 

neither solution is ideal, and taehyun knows that, but facing that reality is more than he can take. any choice he makes has the potential to cause irreparable damage. 

but what is there to lose at this point?

his pride? 

in a bold and unprecedented move, taehyun stands up, chugs whatever is left of this god awful beer, and makes his way out of kai’s room back to the party. he needs to set shit straight while he has the drunken courage. 

of course, beomgyu, in his state of near-obliteration, fails to react quickly enough to stop taehyun but shakily stands up and stumbles towards the latter anyway. whatever he’s about to do, it’s definitely  _ not _ a good idea. 

back in the living room - which is somehow even  _ more _ crowded and uncomfortable - a medium-drunk taehyun scans the room as best as he can looking for whatever bit of yeonjun he can find. that proves to be difficult as the lights are dim and there are several  _ other _ tall people in his way.  _ they couldn’t have gone far _ , he thought,  _ they just went to get drinks. _

_ drinks! _

the realization dawns upon him and he does a 180° only to collide with beomgyu who had been pathetically trailing behind.

“taehyun,  _ what _ are you doing?”

“i have to talk to him,” he speaks with a tone of urgency and attempts to move past beomgyu who only manages to (somehow) stand firmly.

“now? right now, at this party? when you’re drunk? when he’s with soobin?” oops -  _ that may not have been the best choice of words. _

“do  _ you _ have to do  _ this _ right now, beomgyu? this isn’t your problem to fix so please move.” he attempts to move past his obstacle only for it to grab his wrist in a rather pitiful attempt to stop him. 

he doesn’t react. neither speak, though beomgyu feels as though he’s about to spill over with words - of desperation? or perhaps of judgment? pleas for taehyun to rethink whatever mistake he’s about to make; assertions that he’s going to ruin someone’s - or everyone’s - night? complicated and contradicting feelings and thoughts swirl around his head leaving him confused and quite frankly speechless. 

taehyun pushes past him maybe a  _ bit _ too hard and moves onward to the kitchen to find yeonjun who is simply leaning against the counter and rather harmlessly happily chatting with soobin while the two sip out of plastic cups. 

a scintilla of doubt nearly began to bloom inside him, seeing the boy he loves happy even if it’s with someone else — someone he hardly  _ knows _ — but it vanished quickly as the burdensome feelings of unrequited love resurfaced. the years of holding yeonjun up by what has worn down to only a bare thread just to make sure he survives; the countless hours taehyun has spent just in the past few months cooking and cleaning and caring for him. sure, all of this is completely voluntary, but there wouldn’t be much of a yeonjun left to care for if taehyun wasn’t involved. 

  
sure, maybe it’s selfish of him to  _ want _ from someone like yeonjun - someone who has so little to give back, who is already so broken and beaten-down and whose condition only continues to deteriorate. but this rather one-sided relationship has taken a toll on taehyun, too, and though he is aware deep down that it’s not fair to resent yeonjun for something he can’t control, he can’t help but wish the boy would at least try to take care of himself at all.

bubbling with jealousy, fear, anger, and probably _way too much alcohol_ , taehyun plants himself firmly in front of yeonjun and announces maybe a _bit_ too loudly that they need to have "a talk." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also sorry the ending is kind of awkward and anticlimactic (??) i am on my lunch break at work posting this rn and frankly i can't be assed to think of a better way to write it! expect the (hopefully) final part of this chapter sometime this week (assuming my brain doesn't abandon me again). <3


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